theporra.com — the finest in fictional BJJ
Onion-style satire. 100% fictional.
May 13, 2025, 08:00 PM
UFC Contender Submitted In 47 Seconds Clarifies He Was 'Working On His Bottom Game'
Darian 'The Ghost' Kovacs says the loss to Renato Lima was actually part of a long-term developmental plan he had not previously mentioned.
Apr 11, 2025, 08:00 PM
Open Mat Suspended After Training Partner's Gi Declared 'Active Biohazard' by Informal Vote
The unanimous 14-0 vote to end open mat early came without formal discussion, as most participants had already moved to the parking lot.
Apr 4, 2025, 08:00 PM
Blue Belt Announces Retirement From Competition Following Devastating 0-1 Career
After careful reflection on his first and only tournament appearance, Ryan Castellano, 28, has decided to focus on what he calls 'the real jiu-jitsu.'
Mar 26, 2025, 08:00 PM
Local Gym Institutes 'No Ego' Policy, Preliminary Data Suggests Ego Now Higher Than Ever
Six weeks after posting a hand-painted sign reading NO EGO, mat leadership estimates total gym ego has increased by a figure they decline to quantify.
Mar 17, 2025, 08:00 PM
Area Man Who 'Doesn't Believe in Tapping' Returns Home With Interesting Elbow Situation
Travis Holmquist, 34, says he has no regrets about his philosophical stance, though his elbow now bends in a direction that elbows are not supposed to bend.