theporra.com — the finest in fictional BJJ
Onion-style satire. 100% fictional.
Oct 3, 2025, 08:00 PM
BJJ Tournament Livestream Crashes Every Three Minutes, Organizers Assure Fans It's 'Almost Fixed'
The stream has gone down eleven times. Each time, a moderator posts 'back in 2 mins!' in the chat. It has never been two minutes.
Sep 21, 2025, 08:00 PM
New Local Gym Claims Direct Lineage From Four Separate Gracies Simultaneously
The website currently lists Hélio, Rickson, Royce, and Carlos Jr. as lineage anchors, which is not how lineage works.
Sep 9, 2025, 08:00 PM
Region's Top BJJ Referee Has Never Trained A Day In His Life, Sources Confirm
He's called advantages for things that aren't advantages and missed heel hooks so obvious the audience was yelling the rule.
Aug 22, 2025, 08:00 PM
Man Who 'Trains UFC' Arrives At BJJ Open Mat, Situation Deteriorates Rapidly
Tyler Brent, 34, showed up Saturday with no gi, no rashguard, a Tapout shirt from 2009, and total confidence. By minute six he was upside down.
Aug 18, 2025, 08:00 PM
Guy Who Cross-Trains At Three Gyms Somehow Terrible At All Three
He's been at it eighteen months. He attends eleven classes a week across three academies. He cannot pass guard.
Aug 4, 2025, 08:00 PM
Man Posts 45-Minute YouTube Breakdown Of 30-Second Match
The match ended by rear naked choke at 0:28. The breakdown does not end until 44:17.
Jul 30, 2025, 08:00 PM
Local Gym's New Social Media Intern Has Discovered Motivational Quotes Over Training Footage
In two weeks, Triangle BJJ Academy's Instagram engagement dropped 40%. The professor seems proud.
Jul 21, 2025, 08:00 PM
Local Purple Belt Quietly Accepts He Has Peaked
Three years in, the arc is clear. He's not getting worse. He's just done getting better.
Jun 18, 2025, 08:00 PM
New White Belt Asks Which Leg Lock Instructional To Buy On First Day Of Training
He was shown how to break fall. He rolled once. He is now asking about the Reilly Bodnar series vs. the John Danaher lower body attacks. He seems serious.
Jun 6, 2025, 08:00 PM
Local Tournament Bracket Features Eight Competitors, Six Of Whom Did Not Show Up
The adult blue belt lightweight division had five registered entries and one competitor. He won gold. He is not sure how to feel about it.
May 27, 2025, 08:00 PM
Local Competitor Clarifies That The Açaí Is Purely For Recovery, Not The Other Thing
He has one every morning. Sometimes two. The tub of powder in his gym bag is also for recovery. Everything is for recovery.
May 13, 2025, 08:00 PM
Gym Owner Adds Fourth Mandatory Seminar This Month, Assures Members It's 'Really This One'
The May calendar now contains more mandatory seminars than regular classes. Members are handling it well.
May 13, 2025, 08:00 PM
UFC Contender Submitted In 47 Seconds Clarifies He Was 'Working On His Bottom Game'
Darian 'The Ghost' Kovacs says the loss to Renato Lima was actually part of a long-term developmental plan he had not previously mentioned.
Apr 11, 2025, 08:00 PM
Open Mat Suspended After Training Partner's Gi Declared 'Active Biohazard' by Informal Vote
The unanimous 14-0 vote to end open mat early came without formal discussion, as most participants had already moved to the parking lot.
Apr 4, 2025, 08:00 PM
Blue Belt Announces Retirement From Competition Following Devastating 0-1 Career
After careful reflection on his first and only tournament appearance, Ryan Castellano, 28, has decided to focus on what he calls 'the real jiu-jitsu.'
Mar 26, 2025, 08:00 PM
Local Gym Institutes 'No Ego' Policy, Preliminary Data Suggests Ego Now Higher Than Ever
Six weeks after posting a hand-painted sign reading NO EGO, mat leadership estimates total gym ego has increased by a figure they decline to quantify.
Mar 17, 2025, 08:00 PM
Area Man Who 'Doesn't Believe in Tapping' Returns Home With Interesting Elbow Situation
Travis Holmquist, 34, says he has no regrets about his philosophical stance, though his elbow now bends in a direction that elbows are not supposed to bend.