PORTLAND, OR — Head instructor and sole proprietor of Apex Ground Dynamics BJJ, Coach Derek Finholt, announced Tuesday that this month's fourth mandatory seminar is "definitely the last one for a while," citing the strong personal development opportunity it represents for all paying members who have not yet canceled their membership. The seminar, scheduled for May 24th from 8am to 3pm, features a visiting brown belt from a gym two hours away who "has a really interesting approach to the single leg that you're going to want to see." The $65 seminar fee is separate from monthly dues. Gi required. No-gi practitioners should bring a gi. "I feel like people are getting so much value," Finholt said, reviewing his whiteboard calendar from the doorway of his back office. The whiteboard showed four hand-written seminar blocks in May, two in April, and what appeared to be a third scheduled for early June with a question mark next to a dollar sign. Current members recall that when they signed up in January, the seminar situation was described as "a couple times a year, totally optional, just a bonus." The April 6th seminar — mandatory — covered guard retention. The April 19th seminar — also mandatory — covered the same guard retention concepts with a different visiting instructor who had a slightly different accent. The May 3rd seminar, described as mandatory due to "a unique opportunity," covered grip fighting with a competitor who finished third at a regional tournament in 2022. The May 10th seminar, which members were informed about via a group text at 9:47 p.m. the night before, was a two-hour session on "mindset and mat culture" led by a life coach named Trevor who does not train. Trevor brought a whiteboard of his own. Trevor's whiteboard had a pyramid on it. Nobody has spoken about the pyramid. "I asked if I could skip this one," said blue belt Marcus Osei, 27, who has now attended six mandatory seminars in sixty days. "Derek said it was mandatory. I said I understood that but asked what would happen if I didn't come. He said it was mandatory and that I should really come. I'm going." Osei, who pays $189 per month in membership dues, calculated that with the seminar fees he has now spent $449 in May alone. "I made a spreadsheet," he said. "My wife saw the spreadsheet. That was a separate conversation." Brown belt Diana Reyes, who has been a member since Apex Ground Dynamics was called Apex Jiu-Jitsu (the name changed after a seminar on "gym branding" that was also mandatory), said the seminars have begun to affect her training. "I can't remember the last time we had a normal Tuesday class," she said. "There's always some guy visiting. Last week it was a black belt who teaches out of his garage in Bend. He showed us a wristlock from turtle. That was the whole seminar. Three hours. One wristlock. From turtle." When asked if the wristlock was effective, Reyes paused and said, "I mean, it works. But most things work if you show them for three hours." Finholt has defended the seminar schedule by noting that each visiting instructor brings "a unique perspective that you can't get in regular class." When pressed on why the perspectives couldn't be incorporated into regular class by Finholt himself, he explained that "the energy is different when it's a seminar" and that "people focus more when they've paid extra." Gym records obtained by The Porra show that Finholt receives a 40% cut of all seminar fees, with the remaining 60% going to the visiting instructor. For a seminar with thirty attendees at $65 each, this amounts to $780 per event for Finholt, who also does not have to teach a regular class that day. Finholt declined to comment on the financial arrangement, saying only that "the seminars aren't about money, they're about growth." The May whiteboard also contains a notation that reads "June — Leg Lock Month???" with what appears to be a series of dollar signs in the margin. Below it, in smaller handwriting: "Mandatory?" Three members have canceled their memberships since the seminar schedule intensified. Finholt described the departures as "people who weren't really committed to the journey." One of the former members, a four-stripe white belt named Patrick Hollis, said he left because "I signed up to learn jiu-jitsu, and instead I attended a seven-hour workshop on half guard philosophy taught by a guy who flew in from Nebraska and kept calling it 'the half.' Just 'the half.' Like it was a person." The remaining members have adapted in various ways. A group of purple belts has started a private open mat on Sunday mornings at one member's garage, which they refer to only as "training" and do not discuss in front of Finholt. Two white belts have begun attending a Muay Thai gym on seminar days, telling Finholt they have "doctor's appointments." One member reportedly asked if the seminars count toward his belt promotion timeline and was told "absolutely, probably." Finholt confirmed that regular Tuesday and Thursday evening classes will continue as scheduled, pending any seminar conflicts that have not yet been announced. He also noted that he is "in talks" with a visiting instructor for late June who specializes in a guard system he invented called "The Finholt Web," which is, upon further inquiry, just spider guard. "You're going to want to be there," Finholt said. "I'm thinking of making it mandatory." --- *The Porra is a satire publication. All gyms, coaches, and seminar pyramids depicted herein are fictional.*