AUSTIN, TX — Ryan Castellano, 28, a blue belt of nine months at Triangle Choke BJJ, announced Sunday via Instagram story that he is officially stepping away from competition to focus on "the real jiu-jitsu" — specifically the version practiced inside his home gym among people who know him and have seen what he can do. Castellano entered his first and only tournament, the Central Texas Open, on March 29th. He lost by points in the first round to an opponent he describes as "clearly a sandbagger" and whom tournament records identify as also a blue belt with a similar amount of time training. The match lasted four minutes and seven seconds. "I learned a lot from that experience," Castellano wrote in a statement posted to his Instagram stories at 11:47 p.m. Sunday. "But competition jiu-jitsu isn't real jiu-jitsu. It's about stalling and gaming the rules. That's not what the art is about." The story included a quote attributed to Helio Gracie that could not be verified and may not exist. The statement was fourteen slides long. Slide one was a black background with white text reading "A message from the heart." Slide seven was a slow-motion video of Castellano drilling an arm bar on a compliant partner, set to a lo-fi hip-hop beat. Slide eleven was a screenshot of his opponent's Instagram profile, partially cropped but still identifiable, with the caption "No hate, just facts" and an arrow pointing at the opponent's listed weight, which was three pounds heavier than Castellano's listed weight. His instructor, Professor James Witt, offered measured support. "I told him competing once is better than not competing," Witt said. "He said he was thinking more long-term now. About legacy." Witt paused. "He's been a blue belt for nine months." Witt confirmed that Castellano has begun referring to himself as "retired" during conversations at the gym, including to new white belts who did not ask about his competition history. "He told a guy on his second day that competition changes you," Witt said. "The guy was trying to learn how to shrimp." Castellano's mother, Diane Castellano, 56, who attended the tournament and recorded the match on her phone, offered a different perspective. "He got taken down and then the other boy was on top of him the whole time," she said. "I don't really understand the scoring but it seemed like the other boy was winning the entire match. Ryan said it was a controversial decision. I said okay." The match footage, which Castellano has not posted but which his mother uploaded to Facebook with the caption "So proud of my fighter!!!", shows Castellano pulling guard at the fifteen-second mark, spending three minutes on his back, and being passed twice. He attempted one sweep, which did not work, and one guillotine, which his opponent simply stood up out of. The final score was 9-0. Castellano disputes the scoring. "Advantage points are broken," he wrote in a follow-up story. "I had at least two sweeps that were close." Scoring records show zero recorded sweep attempts. In the two weeks since the tournament, Castellano has made several changes to his training approach. He now trains exclusively during open mat, which he says allows him to "work on my game without the pressure of a structured class." He has stopped attending the competition-prep sessions held on Saturdays, explaining that "I'm past that now." He has purchased a journal in which he logs what he calls "rolling insights," which he sometimes reads aloud to his training partners during water breaks. The journal has a leather cover. It cost $45. Castellano says he plans to focus on private lessons, open mat mentorship, and a YouTube channel he is launching called "Real Jiu-Jitsu" in which he plans to break down high-level matches. The channel currently has no subscribers and one upload: a seven-minute video in which he explains what Gordon Ryan did wrong in a 2023 match. The video has fourteen views, eleven of which are from the same IP address. He has also begun offering unsolicited advice to blue belts who are preparing for upcoming tournaments. "I just tell them what I wish someone had told me," Castellano said. "Which is that it's not about winning or losing. It's about the journey." When asked what specific tactical advice he offers, he said, "Mostly mindset stuff." His training partners report that he has become noticeably more intense during open mat rolls since his retirement, submitting lower belts with what one white belt described as "a real sense of purpose" and what another described as "kind of aggressive, honestly." When asked about this, Castellano said he is simply "flowing" and that people "need to learn to deal with pressure, because that's what competition is like." He was reminded that he has retired from competition. He said it was "a different kind of pressure." He has not ruled out a return to competition. "If the right opportunity comes along," he said, "maybe Abu Dhabi." He has not been invited to Abu Dhabi. He has not been invited to anything. He recently googled "ADCC trials weight classes" and left the tab open on his phone, where his girlfriend saw it and asked if he was competing again. He said no. He said he was just "staying informed." --- *This article is satire. The Porra is a satire publication. We support everyone who has ever competed once and decided that was enough.*