SAN FRANCISCO, CA — GrapplePass, the BJJ streaming platform backed by $14 million in Series A funding and described by its CEO as "the Netflix of grappling," launched Tuesday to widespread enthusiasm and near-universal inability to actually watch anything. The platform, which promises exclusive access to over 12,000 hours of grappling footage, tournament archives, and original programming, has so far processed four completed subscriptions. One of those was a tester account. One was the CEO's mother, who called her son for help and was on hold for two hours. A third was a software engineer in Portugal who described his successful checkout as "a miracle that I cannot replicate." The fourth subscription belongs to someone named "Test User" and is believed to be from the staging environment. "I tried for forty-five minutes," said would-be subscriber Renata Souza, 29, a blue belt from San Diego. "The sign-up button works. You enter your card, it says 'processing,' and then it just... doesn't. There's no confirmation email. There's no error message. You just exist in a state of not being subscribed, and you don't know why." Souza said she attempted checkout on three different browsers, two phones, and her work laptop. "Chrome, Safari, Firefox. Nothing. My boyfriend tried on his phone. His card got charged twice but he doesn't have an account. We're now in a relationship that has been financially impacted by a jiu-jitsu streaming service that neither of us can access." The checkout process, which GrapplePass's head of product, Kevin Schaeffer, described as "a streamlined three-step flow," has been widely reported to require the creation of an account, verification of said account via email, re-entry of payment information after verification, selection of a subscription tier from four nearly identical options, confirmation of billing address, acceptance of terms including a 14-day free trial that requires a credit card, and — for reasons that remain unclear — selection of a preferred gi color. Schaeffer, reached by phone Wednesday, defended the gi color question. "It's part of the onboarding personalization experience," he said. "We tailor the homepage based on your preferences." When asked how a gi color preference affects which matches are displayed, he said, "It's more of a vibe thing," and declined to elaborate. Users who complete all steps are directed to a loading screen that has not, as of press time, loaded. The loading screen features a spinning animation of two stick figures grappling. Several users reported watching it for upward of ten minutes. One user, purple belt Darren Hooks of Austin, TX, said he stared at it long enough to determine that the bottom figure is attempting a scissor sweep that would never work from that angle. "The feet are wrong," Hooks said. "If you're going to make me stare at an animation for eleven minutes while nothing happens, at least get the technique right." GrapplePass CEO Jordan Blakely addressed the launch issues in a fifteen-minute Instagram Live on Wednesday evening that was viewed by approximately 3,200 people. During the stream, Blakely demonstrated the checkout process on his own phone to prove it works. His phone froze at the payment screen. He ended the stream shortly after. The company's content library, which GrapplePass describes as "the largest collection of grappling content ever assembled," reportedly includes full archives of seventeen regional tournaments, 4,000 hours of instructional content from fifty-three black belts, and an original docuseries titled *The Path* that follows three blue belts on their journey to purple. Nobody has seen any of it. "I just wanted to watch the 2024 Pans absolute final," said viewer Marcus Tran, a brown belt from Portland. "I already watched it live. I just wanted to see it again. I would pay money. I am trying to pay money. They will not take my money." GrapplePass's support team posted on Instagram that they are "aware of a few issues affecting a small number of users." The post has 847 comments, all of which are variations of the phrase "it's not working." A follow-up post the next day clarified that the team was "working around the clock" and included a promo code — GRAPPLE10 — for 10% off the first month. The promo code field does not appear anywhere in the checkout flow. Competitor analysis suggests the BJJ streaming market remains underserved. FloGrappling, the current market leader, charges $150 per year for a service that users describe as "sometimes you can watch things." UFC Fight Pass includes some grappling content but files it under a subcategory of a subcategory that requires six clicks to reach. YouTube remains free and functional, which several industry analysts noted may be the core problem with the business model. The company's Series A investors, led by Garrison Peak Ventures, released a statement expressing full confidence in the team and the "massive total addressable market for combat sports streaming." The statement was hosted on a page that required users to create an account to read it. A source close to the company said a fix is expected "within days." The same source said this on Tuesday. It is now the following week. --- *The Porra is a satire publication. GrapplePass is fictional. The checkout experience is not.*